Hark, methinks 'twas the last trump that sounded

Most of my customers--say about 90%--are totally unremarkable.

Another 5% are memorable solely because of their utter illiteracy or stupidity.  Examples include this from a...rural...gentleman, attired in cutoff jeans, a wifebeater, and a grungy baseball cap that didn't sufficiently disguise his blond mullet:

"Yes ma'am, ah'd like that there book on duhve huntin'."

"Dove hunting?"

"Yeah, mah boy has ter read it fer school." 

"Err, do you know the author's name?" 

"Naw, ah ain't much inter books.  But maybe the last name had somethin' to do with a war."

"Well, could you tell me a little about it?"

"Ah know it's kinder famous, but ah can't saih for shurr wahy."

"I...see.  And your son has to read it for school.  It's a book about hunting?" (where is this school district, and what the...?)

"Yah, ah dunn toled you that.  Do y'all have it?"

(I really don't get paid enough) "Did the school happen to send you a letter with the title of the book?"

"'Fraid ah'm not real shur, ma'am.  The school sends a lotta mail, but ah figger the wife takes care of it." (I can't imagine why)

(suddenly, his face brightens)  "But mah son goes to (insert name of public school in boonies near cowtown here).  What're they readin'?"

Suddenly, a shaft of light breaks through the fog.  I remember a couple of kids from this school coming in last week.  We aren't the closest store by any stretch, but they happened to be in cowtown that day, and got the book from our store.  What was the title?  Oh, surely not.  Surely not.

"Sir, it wouldn't be To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee, would it?"

It was.

Le sigh.

Of the remaining 5%, 2% are briefly memorable because of snottiness, phone-against-the-ear-itis (symptoms include an inability to hear the cashier ask you to step out of line and go to her register, an inability to understand why the bookseller will NOT, if she has other customers, stand next to you and wait for you to finish your phone conversation before assisting you, and an inability to understand complicated directions like "please slide your card here and enter your PIN or press clear), or just outright RUDENESS (b*tching out the bookseller because you had a bad experience at a store in this chain five years before she was legally old enough to be employed by this store, for example, and offering this as an excuse for why we should give you a discount).

Another 1% are the ones who send the booksellers running the MINUTE they walk into the store.  These are usually regular customers who a) want to tell you that Harry Potter is REAL and they need to find the Marauder's Map and where is it shelved?, b) want to corner you to tell you all about their political views (which, no matter what your political bent, will ALWAYS be the exact opposite of yours), c) want to get entirely too hands-on with the female booksellers, d) throw a fit because their frappuccino is "too sweet"--but always order the same frappuccino, and/or e) will ask you to spend thirty minutes looking up obscure or impossible-to-find books with little or no information--"I think it was published in 1910 and had 'fieldmice' in the title, but I'm not sure."

Finally, there are the 2% who either make me laugh, make my day, make my week, or who just make an impact on me that I won't forget.  Or they'll do something so completely unexpected that I do a quadruple-take.

I had one of the latter the other night.

I saw a couple walking through History/Current Events, greeted them, and asked if they needed any help.

This couple was perhaps in their late fifties, and had, I suspect, been married for some time.  She had her arm through his, and they were chatting and laughing like a couple in their twenties.  It was neat to see.

If J. Random Invididual had looked at them, he probably wouldn't have been impressed.  They were both blondish, medium height, maybe a little extra weight.  No outstanding features beyond nice smiles and the fact that they were clearly still very much in love.

After I greeted them, they smiled at me and said that they didn't need any help, and how was I doing?  I replied with some sort of brief response--"fine," "great," "fantastic," etc--and continued on my way back to music to help a music seller with something.  Perfectly normal interaction, happens literally hundreds of times during a shift.  I thought no more about it.

About three minutes later, I saw the couple walk into music.  They came and stood near me while I finished with a customer.  Once the other customer left, I turned to the couple.

The guy walked over, took my hand, smiled (very kind smile) and said, "We just wanted to apologize.  I don't think we were very polite back there; we were a bit preoccupied.  Thanks for asking us how we were doing, and again, we didn't mean to be impolite."

Me: (astonished stare) "Good grief, you were fine.  I didn't think you were at all impolite.  In fact, you even asked me how I was doing." (wondering vaguely "what the heck?...")

Her: "Oh, well, we thought we'd been a bit abrupt."

Me: "I didn't.  Don't worry about it."

Him: (still smiling) "Well, I'm glad you felt that way.  Listen, you have a really nice evening, okay?"

Me" ...Yeah, you too.  Come back and see us again."

(stands in music department, blinking for several seconds)

They walked out of the store, still hand-in-hand.

Yes, two very nice customers apologized for being insufficiently nice by no one's standards but their own (obviously very high) ones.

In short, I'm expecting the Four Horsemen to make an appearance any minute.  Be warned.  You heard it here first.  It's the only possible explanation.

Now, if I could figure out why so many people felt compelled to wear cat ear headbands into the store tonight.  There was no obvious connection between any of them.  Different ages (youngest about 13, oldest about 40), male and female, different races (white, asian, hispanic), different socioeconomic backgrounds (the ears were worn with everything from grungy jeans to a local private school uniform), different religions (one guy wore a cross, one gal was wearing a pentogram pendant) etc.  Very odd.  The Mr. Clean dude with the cat ear headband will, I think, be forever etched in my memory.

(shakes head)

Overall, it was a really nice night.  I'd had entirely too much coffee (didn't sleep much or well last night) and was consequently very (and unusually) perky/upbeat/engaging.  On the sales floor, I think I'm ordinarily pleasant but quiet and rather low-key.  With that much coffee, I chattered nonstop, I laughed (and made most of the customers laugh), I got several people to sign up for the idiotic card program, etc, etc.  The rest of the crew found this hysterical.  (no more espresso after 5, ubi.)

And people wonder why I don't drink, when mere caffeine does this to me!  Can you imagine?

Ooof.  I just crashed.  Must. go. to. bed. now.